A woman taking golf lessons just started her 1st round but was stung by a bee!
She raced to the clubhouse and her golfing coach asked why she was back so soon. She told him of the sting.
“Where did it sting you?” he asked.
“Between the 1st and 2nd hole” she replied.
He nodded and said. “Then your feet are too far apart!”.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”
His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”
“Oh come on” replies the bartender.
The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, who cleans up and who has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie
to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”‘
A woman, standing nude, looks in her bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly, and out of shape. Pay me a compliment!”
Without looking up from his paper, the husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly doctors check-up.
The nurse starts with the usual stuff.
‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks.
‘”8 stone”, she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 9 stone 2 pounds.
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’
’5 foot 8,’ she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5′.
When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
Chelsea News