Just Jokes Online

Take 5

Then there’s the one about the golfer and his caddie who enjoyed a good argument, especially about what clubs to use. The caddie usually won but this day, faced with a long short hole, the golfer decided that a 3-iron would be best.

“Take a 5 wood ,” growled the caddie. But the golfer stuck to his choice and the caddie watched gloomily as the ball sailed over the fairway, landed neatly on the green and rolled politely into the hole. Read the full post

A Man Goes In To A Bar

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. Read the full post

The Van Man And The Priest
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, “Where are you going, Father?” Read the full post

One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, “You know, how do I know I’m the world’s smallest man? Maybe I’m NOT the world’s smallest man”. And he got very depressed.
Then Snow White says, “How do I know I’m the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!” And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, ‘How do I know I’m the world’s ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!” And he, too, sank into depression.
One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven’s waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question. After Tom Thumb’s conference, he came out smiling and said, “It’s all right, I am the world’s smallest man”. Snow White left God’s chamber smiling also, “It’s ok,”
she said, “I am the fairest of them all”. Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, “Who the hell is Martin Keown?” Read the full post

Paul played football with his mates every Sunday afternoon in the local park. His right knee had been giving him trouble for some time, but recently the pain had been even worse than usual so he decided to see the doctor.

When he arrived at the surgery, the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but first he would have to give a urine sample. Paul said that it seemed crazy to give a urine sample to help solve his knee problem. However the nurse insisted, so eventually Paul complied. A quarter of an hour later he was ushered in to see the doctor. Read the full post

An Arsenal fan went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was ‘visited by a “Manchester united” friend who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.

The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.

Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner. Read the full post

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. Read the full post

Man goes to Doctor saying he has a problem with his sex life. Doctor tells him to summarise a day in his life
He says well I wake up early have a quick screw with my wife,

then have breakfast and a shag and off to work where I normally have a quick bonk with the my receptionist,
go down to the typing pool for a quick play with a typist and then home to wife for a quick shag and lunch. Read the full post

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. Read the full post

A man goes to the doctor for his wife’s test results.

Mr Smith : “I’m here for Mrs Smith’s test results.”

Receptionist : “Oh, I’m sorry Mr Smith, there’s been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don’t know which belongs to your wife….. I’m afraid it’s bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer’s Disease, the other shows Aids!” Read the full post