Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

On the Bright Side
What do you call a Arsenal fan with half a brain?

Gifted!

What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!

What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.

What do you call 100 Arsnal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A good start!

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says “The Gunners have lost again.”
The other man was flabbergasted and said “how in the name of god do you know that?”
The other man replied “It’s quarter to five.

Why do housewives love Arsenal?
Because they stay on top for ages and come second!

More sand!

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to thebathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses) .

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.

The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers . . . And then there are educators.

She raced to the clubhouse and her golfing coach asked why she was back so soon. She told him of the sting.

“Where did it sting you?” he asked.

“Between the 1st and 2nd hole” she replied.

He nodded and said. “Then your feet are too far apart!”.

Neither are seriously hurt but both cars are written off. In celebration of their luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on.

So the Man Utd fan goes to the boot of his car & fetches a 12yr old bottle of Malt Whisky and hands it to the Liverpool fan. “May all Scousers & Mancs live together in peace & harmony” says the Liverpool fan & gulps down half the bottle.

He goes to hand the bottle to the Man Utd fan who replies ” No thanks, i’ll just wait till the police get here you Scouse twat!!!”.

Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “Arsenal’s Gonna Win The League! Arsenal’s Gonna Win The League!”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

The doctor said “you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine”

The sick one said ” but doctor, I only have only got 3 spoons what shall i do?”

Q)Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A)Vomit

Q)Why do women have foreheads?
A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blowjob

Q)What kind of file do you use to make a small hole larger
A)A Pedophile

Q)Why did the guy buy his wife, a coat and a dildo for her birthday?
A)He figured if she dont like coat, she could go fuck herself

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. …Alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man. The note said “For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants..” After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. “Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.” “When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.” “No problem,” he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. “She’s got a great body,” he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, thats enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn’t). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, “Fireman.” The king tells his army, “Burn off his penis.” Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, “I…I…I…I’m a police officer.” The king ordered, “Shoot off his penis.” Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, “Lollipop salesman.”

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. “Mommy, where do babies come from?” After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, “Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex.” The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, “That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, dear.” The child replies, “But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?” “Jewellery, dear.”
A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner……..Once she stops sucking……Change the fucking bag

Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says “I would shoot her below the left nipple” Bloke says “I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!”

Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??
One attacks the cow’s brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??
You know it’s wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!

Naked woman looking in the bedroom mirror says to her husband “I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment”
Husband replies “Your eyesights fucking spot on.”

A man says to his wife “I had a wet dream about you last night”
“Aww did you ?” wife replies. “Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing”

Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says “feeling kinky sir?”
“No” replies the man, “just fucking homesick” !

For sale – Complete set of Encyclopedias 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1000 ONO. NO longer needed, got married, wife knows fucking everything.

Scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones. To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints, suddenly they talked shite, gained weight and couldn’t drive.

Mick says to Paddy “close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neigbours were laughing at you yesterday… “well” said paddy, “the laugh is on them because I wasn’t fucking in yesterday!”

This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!………….Jammy cunt.

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied “I’m supprised it can fly with a cock like that!”

Old couple sat in church. During the service wife whispers “I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?”
Hubby says “put a fuckin battery in your hearing aid”

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”