Out of the corner of his eye he sees a shopping centre. Knowing it was “now or never”, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the shopping centre. After a frantic search he finds a toy shop, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.

When asked what he would like, he simply says “a Barbie doll”.

The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks “Which Barbie would that be, sir?”

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie
for $265.00″

The man can’t help himself and asks “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?”

“That’s obvious!” says the assistant, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture ….

Upset, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, stupid or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders and have learned to keep their mouths shut when I shout at them.”

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard, 2 minutes to get soft.

You have to share a box with 11 other guys.

And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother!

“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money.”

So the ant asks the elephant what seems to be the problem here?

The elephant replied I seemed to have gotten a thorn stuck in my foot and it is hurts like hell. I would give anything to get it out.

Oh yea says the little elephant with his eyebrows raised, you would do anything? Well would you let me fck you?

The elephant chuckles to herself and says “a little ant like you fcking me”? Yea yea whatever, just please help me get this thorn out of my foot.

So the little ant hops up on the elephants foot and starts tugging and pulling and after about 30 minutes he finally manages to get the thorn out of the elephants foot.

So the ant says to the elephant ok, a deal is a deal, you said you would let me fck you.

The elephant again chuckles to herself and says yea yea, whatever little ant.

So the ant crawls up her leg and starts going to town. He is really working her.

About that time the elephant finally puts her foot down since the thorn is out and she says “Oh, that feels soooooo good”!!!

The Ant Replies…
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YES!!! Take it All …BITCH!

The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says
to his Mom, “What’s that long thing hanging down from the elephant?”

Mom replies “That’s his trunk.”

The boy goes, “I know that! No, what’s that big thing hanging down
in between the trunk and tail.”

Mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs, just says “Oh,
that’s nothing” and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at
the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad “What’s that long thing
hanging down from the elephant?”

Dad replies, “Son, that’s the elephant’s penis.”

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, “But Mom said it was nothing.”

Dad replied, “Well, your mom’s been spoiled!”

Driving behind the arguing couple is a man and his little daughter. The dildo hits the front windshield and flies off. The girl says, “What was that!”

The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to such things at her young age, says, “Uhh. It was a bug.”

The girl says, “Oh . . . Well it sure had a big dick!”

This is obviously exactly the sponsors that England deserve after South Africa!