Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

On the Bright Side
What do you call a Arsenal fan with half a brain?

Gifted!

What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!

What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.

What do you call 100 Arsnal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A good start!

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says “The Gunners have lost again.”
The other man was flabbergasted and said “how in the name of god do you know that?”
The other man replied “It’s quarter to five.

Why do housewives love Arsenal?
Because they stay on top for ages and come second!

More sand!

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

Neither are seriously hurt but both cars are written off. In celebration of their luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on.

So the Man Utd fan goes to the boot of his car & fetches a 12yr old bottle of Malt Whisky and hands it to the Liverpool fan. “May all Scousers & Mancs live together in peace & harmony” says the Liverpool fan & gulps down half the bottle.

He goes to hand the bottle to the Man Utd fan who replies ” No thanks, i’ll just wait till the police get here you Scouse twat!!!”.

Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “Arsenal’s Gonna Win The League! Arsenal’s Gonna Win The League!”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to say mass at St. Joseph’s church, about two miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in!”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud “THUD.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything he turned to the priest and said

“I’m sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,”

“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got the f***er with the door!”.

Man U Fan Trying to get in to Heaven

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
“You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”

Man United One Liners

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them – folk couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.

Q: What’s the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick

A is for Arse, a team that’s truly awful
B is for Boring, boring boring Arsen*l
C is for Corruption, bung and all
D is for Donkey, who can’t kick a ball
E is for Endsleigh, that’s where they belong
F is for Fine, they’ll be paying another before long
G is for Graham, the most successful chief
H is for Ha Ha Ha, he was really a thief
I is for Incidents, in a past they can’t bury
J is for Jensen, who didn’t score too many
K is for Kill, that’s what they do to the game
L is for Laugh, when they bring it into shame
M is for Merson, who sniffed up a line
N is for Nayim, from the half way line
O is for Offside, their favourite tactic
P is for Paris, and we were ecstatique
Q is for Quick, get past the back four
R is for Rubbish, ‘cos they’re really that poor
S is for Sunday, in April ’91
T is for Tottenham, who beat the scum 3-1
U is for Ugly, so much of it, it should really be in a bank
W is for Wank, Ian Wank, Wank, Wank
Y is for Why, are they such a big bore
Z is for Zero, ‘cos that’s all that they score

One day, a Spurs fan man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued. “What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every Arsenal supporter in the world will receive double what you asked for.” “Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man. “What is your first wish?” asked the Genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” Poof ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now, every gooner r in the world has been given two Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars…” replied the man, and Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every Gooner in the world is two million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man. “Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got my million,” replied the spurs fan. “And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”

The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.

Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.

The husband came in and said,’It’s started to pour with rain so I thought I’d come home and watch the second half on telly.’

He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife’s visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.

The husband turned to his wife and said, ‘That’s funny – I didn’t see the ref send him off.’

A. More sand.
——————-
Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the “1999 light bulb changing” commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?
——————————————
Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.
————————————-
One afternoon an elderly man turned up at the offices of a large Manchester company.

“Good afternoon;” he said, “I’m Tony Collier’s uncle. I’ve come to ask if he can have the afternoon off so I can take him to the match.”

“I’m afraid he’s not here,” came the reply, “We already gave him the afternoon off so he could attend your funeral.”
—————————————-
A man walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks, “that’ll be perfect for my mother-in-law’s birthday,” so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. “£10 for the rat, £100 for the story,” replies the man.

Skip the story, thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for the tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass prat over, and millions of rats follow, one after the other, plunging to certain death. The bloke then runs back to the shop…

“Aaaah”, says the shop keeper, “I thought you’ll be back for the story”. “Sod the story, where’s the brass Manchester United fan?”
———————————————-
Q. What’s the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?

A. They’re both useless in Europe.
——————————————–
Q.What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

A. The Man U bus has more pricks!

A well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.

‘Why did you refuse to referee that match?’ asked his wife.

‘I wasn’t too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,’ replied the husband.
——————————————————————————————
Referees at Celtic v Rangers matches always have a particularly hard time. One poor unfortunate, officiating at his first fixture, was checking in with the team managers before the kick-off.

‘Well, that seems to be about everything,’ said the Rangers boss.

‘Now, if you’d just like to give us the name and address of your next-of-kin, we can start the match.’
————————————————————————————————-

The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. ‘May I see your tickets, please?’ said the club secretary at the door.

‘We haven’t got any tickets,’ said one of the men. ‘We’re friends of the referee.’

‘Get out of here!’ said the club secretary. ‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!’