For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Meeting Saint Peter

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”

The third blonde said, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”

“Very good!” said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted!

Blonde At Football
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: “Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don’t understand.”

“What did you not understand ?”

And the blonde says: “Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it’s just a quarter!”

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $20.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in Los Angeles can I park my Mercedes for two weeks for only $20 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Finally… a smart blonde joke.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed…

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute.”

“What did you do?” asks the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

(BOING!), out came a genie.

The jinni said, “I’ll grant each of you one wish.” The blonde chicks started giggling and flipping’ their hair.

The first blonde said, “I want to be 25% dumber”, (BOING!), “Your wish has been granted” said the genie. T the blonde stood in deep thought, as if she couldn’t remember her name.

The second blonde began jumping up and down said, “I want to be 50% dumber”, (BOING!), “Your wish has been granted” said the genie, and the blonde became completely incoherent and started babbling!

Seeing this the third blonde began giggling, jumping up and down, clapping her hands and said, “I want to be 100% dumber” (BOING!), “Your wish has been granted.” said the genie, and she turned into a MAN.

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!”

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains” I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me £2, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me £2, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £200!.”

Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “Okay, What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out two pounds and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Encyclopedia Brittannica, and everywhere else he can think of.

Frustrated, he then sends emails to all his colleagues and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £200. The blonde politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £2, and goes back to sleep.

A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. The driver searches around in her handbag but can’t find it. She says to the cop, i must have left it at home officer.

The cop says, well, do you have any kind of identification? The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, all i have is this picture of myself. The cop says, let me see it, then.

So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it and replies, “Well, if i had known you were a police officer, i wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You are free to go.” ]]> http://justjokesonline.com/blonde-policewoman/55/feed 0