A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. “A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich,” he says to the barman.
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
Dave and Andrew walk into a bar. Dave says, “Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink.” The bartender gets him a drink.
Dave says, “Donkeyboy, get me another drink.” The bartender gets him another drink.
Finally, Andrew asks the bartender, “Why does he call you Donkeyboy?”
“I don’t know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that.”
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
A man walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the man no. The man thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the man returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The man thanks him and leaves.
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes £8.
“But I already paid you. Don’t you remember?” says the customer.
“OK,” says the bartender, “if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me £50,” she says.
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double brandys.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double brandys. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
A guy walks into a bar in massachusetts and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, “You’re not from ’round here are ya?”
“No” replies the man, “I’m from New Hampshire.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do you do in New Hampshire?”
“I’m a taxidermist,” says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, “I mount dead animals for a liveing.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a pool ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the black ball off my pool table — whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the penthouse suite.” “I insist on another room!!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like the room your in?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”
Chelsea News