A Man Goes In To A Bar
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
Patrick Mclaughlin hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”
So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, “If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He’s the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!”
A few weeks pass uneventfully. One afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, “Big John is coming to town! Run for your lives!”
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. “This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.” The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender.”
The bartender follows the man’s order and says, “That will be $42.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a church raffle.
Immediately, Jock says “Open it up and we’ll have a dram.”
“Naw, ah’m goin’ tae save it for a special occasion.”
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
“I’m curious,” the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, “You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
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