Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money.”
So this little ant was walking through the jungle and came across this big female elephant in agony. The elephant had one foot up in the air “woe is me” “woe is me.
So the ant asks the elephant what seems to be the problem here?
The elephant replied I seemed to have gotten a thorn stuck in my foot and it is hurts like hell. I would give anything to get it out.
A mother is with her 5 year old boy at the zoo when they reach the
elephant cage.
The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says
to his Mom, “What’s that long thing hanging down from the elephant?”
Mom replies “That’s his trunk.”
The boy goes, “I know that! No, what’s that big thing hanging down
in between the trunk and tail.”
On a highway, a pornstar and her manager are arguing in their car. The pornstar, in frustration with her manager, throws a huge dildo out the car window.
Driving behind the arguing couple is a man and his little daughter. The dildo hits the front windshield and flies off. The girl says, “What was that!”
The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to such things at her young age, says, “Uhh. It was a bug.”
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, “If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?”
“Hell no!” the guy said.
The stranger then asked, “If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?”
The man said, “Of course not.”
“Wanna go camping?”
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”
The police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’ he stated in a telephone interview.
A man was in a long line at the Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, “What size condoms?”
The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, “One box of large condoms, Register 5.”
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.