Just Jokes Online

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her anything.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees a shopping centre. Knowing it was “now or never”, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the shopping centre. After a frantic search he finds a toy shop, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. Read the full post

In a small town, there was a big factory that hired only married men.

Upset, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, stupid or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders and have learned to keep their mouths shut when I shout at them.”

Just think how bad the life of the egg is….

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard, 2 minutes to get soft.

You have to share a box with 11 other guys.

And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother!

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.

“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. Read the full post

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”

His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money.”

So this little ant was walking through the jungle and came across this big female elephant in agony. The elephant had one foot up in the air “woe is me” “woe is me.

So the ant asks the elephant what seems to be the problem here?

The elephant replied I seemed to have gotten a thorn stuck in my foot and it is hurts like hell. I would give anything to get it out. Read the full post

A mother is with her 5 year old boy at the zoo when they reach the
elephant cage.

The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says
to his Mom, “What’s that long thing hanging down from the elephant?”

Mom replies “That’s his trunk.”

The boy goes, “I know that! No, what’s that big thing hanging down
in between the trunk and tail.” Read the full post

On a highway, a pornstar and her manager are arguing in their car. The pornstar, in frustration with her manager, throws a huge dildo out the car window.

Driving behind the arguing couple is a man and his little daughter. The dildo hits the front windshield and flies off. The girl says, “What was that!”

The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to such things at her young age, says, “Uhh. It was a bug.” Read the full post

After Englands disastrous showing at the World Cup in the “lucky” red shirts, the FA have decided to reintroduce the famous white England shirt and unveil the three new sponsors which will take England through to the finals of the European Championships in 2012.

This is obviously exactly the sponsors that England deserve after South Africa!